Please don’t look
Look at the shelf, the clock is humming, why is my heart suddenly pumping?There’s eyes on the counter they look so bright, tumble in the darkness.Please don’t shine the light.The Audience is waiting they will give me a fright.Why are you watching I don’t feel right.Spotlight shine, Everybody is staring to look at me like a shrine.Skin peeling, flesh ripped.
Chop me up! Pour the grease!Give the hungry crowd another piece!A million little retinas are drinking the blood,Drowning my name in a sensory flood!They saw through the bone, they applaud for the show,Look at the freak in the front row glow!
Stab me in the stomach thats fine but don’t look at me straight in the eye.
Goodbye.
(Note: I will be only be posting poems like this)
Wow. I just read this, and I honestly had to sit with it for a moment. This feels eerie, chaotic, and deeply unsettling. It reads almost like a disturbing performance happening in the narrator’s mind, with the audience, spotlight, and constant watching creating this feeling of being trapped and exposed. The repeated references to eyes and staring work really well because they make the reader feel like they’re watching alongside the crowd.
The rhythm also gives the piece a song-like quality, which contrasts nicely with the darker imagery. Lines like “the clock is humming” and “why is my heart suddenly pumping?” immediately create tension, while the sudden “Goodbye.” at the end leaves the piece feeling abrupt and uncomfortable.
There are a few places where the punctuation and wording could be cleaned up. For example, “There’s eyes on the counter” should be “There are eyes on the counter,” since “eyes” is plural. “There’s eyes on the counter they look so bright” could also be separated into two sentences so the imagery has more impact.
A few lines could be made clearer as well, like “tumble in the darkness.” I wasn’t completely sure what is tumbling or how it connects to the previous image, so expanding or adjusting that phrase might help the reader picture what you mean.
There are also some smaller grammatical issues. “The Audience is waiting” would normally be “The audience is waiting” unless “Audience” is intentionally being used as a proper noun. “Why are you watching I don’t feel right” could become “Why are you watching? I don’t feel right.” to separate the two thoughts.
“Spotlight shine” also feels slightly awkward grammatically; if it’s meant to be a complete sentence, “Spotlight shines” would read more naturally. Similarly, “Everybody is staring to look at me” is repetitive, so “Everybody is staring at me” would be smoother.
There are a few spacing and punctuation errors too, such as “grease!Give” which should have a space after the exclamation mark, and “blood,Drowning” which needs a space after the comma. “thats fine” should be “that’s fine,” and “Stab me in the stomach thats fine but…” would read more smoothly with punctuation separating the thoughts.
The biggest thing I’d recommend is going through the poem once specifically for punctuation and sentence flow. Your strange, frantic style is part of what makes the piece interesting, so I wouldn’t want to over-polish it. Just cleaning up the technical errors and clarifying a few images could make the atmosphere even stronger.
Because the voice and concept are already distinctive, these changes are mostly about helping the reader experience the piece the way you intended. The unsettling audience-and-spotlight idea has a lot of potential, and polishing the presentation could make those moments hit even harder.
If you’d like a more detailed breakdown with deeper suggestions on structure, pacing, imagery, and emotional impact, feel free to reach out to me.