The girl who was different from us
She ran across the field towards the old car wreck that had become her place of solace, where she cried, ate, slept, dreamed, fantasized.
She was from a home where her dad was a womanizer, abandons his responsibilities, blames it on her mother and kids and he is damn scary.
Her mom was abusive and was not close with her, she was a good mom but there were still the unspoken lines and distance. She had no freedom of speech or choice.
Her siblings were just her siblings, annoying at times, sweet at times.
A lot of things made her different, she wasn’t just a girl who dreamed about making it big, she was pretty and loved to go all natural, great at feeling insecure, she wasn’t consistent neither was she confident. Past mistakes haunted her, she lacked focus and encouragement from anyone. She hated herself and felt little sense of diginity, cancelled plans were made one after the other .
Why?
She lacked the willpower to persist .
Despite all this,
She was always smiling .
Flattery gave her no joy.
Laughter of kids, smile of the elders and joy of her peers filled her with sense of fulfilment.
She was accommodating, kind, brainy and had a way with words, she wasn’t shy, quiet and didn’t have everything she wanted. Yet a lot of girls were intimidated by her aura.
She neither allowed dating life to be a hindrance to her relationships.
She had more male friends than female friends. She hardly judged and when she did she did laugh and wave it away.
She found peace in nature and solitude, she found consolation in food. And she was a critical overthinker who will talk to trees, walls, animals, blocks, space.
Her name is Lucy.
Lucy already feels like a character with a lot going on beneath the surface. I especially liked the contrast between everything she’s dealing with and the fact that she still finds joy in other people’s happiness. The car wreck being her place of solace also caught my attention—it makes me curious about what happened there and how it connects to her story.
I noticed a few areas where the character development and flow could be explored more deeply. If you’d like more detailed feedback on the book, we should definitely talk—I’d be happy to share more of what stood out to me.
I will love too, feel free to point out the things you noticed, we can both share ideas and know more of what stood out to you.
Thanks🤝.
Honestly, Lucy has a lot of potential. The strongest part is that she feels like a person with contradictions rather than a collection of perfect qualities.
What stood out to me
1. The old car wreck is probably my favorite detail.
It immediately gives Lucy somewhere that feels personal. The fact that she cries, eats, sleeps, dreams, and fantasizes there tells us that she needs an escape from her home without you having to explain everything.
2. Her smile is interesting.
You have someone who struggles with self-worth and comes from a difficult family but is still genuinely happy when other people are happy. That makes her kindness feel more meaningful.
3. Her family situation has nuance.
Her father is frightening and irresponsible, but her mother isn’t simply presented as a villain. You describe her as a good mother while acknowledging the abuse and emotional distance. That’s much more complicated—and therefore potentially more believable.
4. I like her unusual personality.
Talking to trees, walls, animals, blocks, and space is a small detail, but it gives her personality. It’s the sort of thing that can make a reader think, “Okay, Lucy is definitely her own person.”
5. Her insecurity and her aura create a good contradiction.
She doesn’t see herself as confident, yet other girls can feel intimidated by her presence. That could be explored really well because Lucy’s perception of herself may be very different from how other people perceive her.
The main thing I’d change
Right now, the passage sometimes explains Lucy instead of letting us discover her.
You give us many statements:
she is insecure
she isn’t consistent
she isn’t confident
she lacks focus
she lacks encouragement
she hates herself
she lacks dignity
she can’t persist
That’s a lot for the reader to absorb at once.
I’d pick a few major traits and let the others emerge naturally through scenes.
For example, show Lucy sitting beside the wreck after abandoning another plan. Let her talk to a tree. Let someone compliment her and show that the compliment doesn’t affect her. Let her mother say something that makes Lucy withdraw. Those moments would communicate her character much more powerfully than simply listing the traits.
One sentence I’d rethink
“Why? She lacked the willpower to persist.”
I’d be careful with this.
You’ve already established that Lucy grew up with fear, emotional distance, little freedom, and little encouragement. Saying the problem is simply that she “lacked willpower” can make her struggles feel unnecessarily simplistic.
It could be more interesting if Lucy herself believes she lacks willpower, while the story gradually reveals the deeper reasons she has trouble believing in herself.
That gives you something for Lucy to discover about herself.
Overall
The character is stronger than the current presentation of the character. The ideas are there; now they need to be turned into experiences.
Lucy doesn’t need more adjectives. She needs moments.
If I were reading this as a beta reader, I’d be curious to see what happens when Lucy’s usual ability to smile, accommodate people, and escape into solitude isn’t enough anymore. That’s where I think this character could become really compelling.
Thank you for the advice, you should be expecting more in my next story, l will let you watch Lucy emerge slowly.
I have a bit of problem, each time, l try to write a new story, they keep taking me to a 404 page, which says l need to return home.
I can’t write a story😔
@irisgunievere That sounds really frustrating . It might be a temporary issue with the site. Have you tried logging out and back in or using a different browser? Hopefully you can get back to writing soon!
@irisgunievere Hire me as your Ghostwriter
I have
Same result
This is frustrating