Cartoonist smile
tap,tap,tap goes the tiny leather shoes fall down in the dungeon hey look at you. when the sky goes blue then my bruises will too. broken limbs, shattered bones while the cartoon song sings in a familiar tone.
“it hurts! it hurts!”
but the reel pulls me back. like a mouse going off track. reset the timer ,walk off the feeling of the pain even though it fixed me in every way. there’s new skin on the outside but I still keep the pain inside.
die in the morning, die at night, die anywhere else its fine to me its like an electric eel crawling up my spine. but the scars stay hidden out of sight.
I’m attached on to puppeteer strings, trust me it makes you do some terrible things.
swinging the axe while the music hums blood off center pull out the blade and I strike and struggle In agony is just me or am I doing something wrong?
I just want to die,why don’t they let me die?
I look in the mirror deffin me. I like to say I changed but I’m lying.
blood on the dress while the rythem is cracking. I’m watching there eyes close I’m smiling but truly in crying. so the knife goes deep, another soul torn apart just a puppet made of clay with a splattering heart.
Hey there,
Wow. I just read this, and I honestly had to sit with it for a moment. This is raw, haunting, and so full of emotion. It reads like a dark lullaby or a broken poem from someone trapped in their own body.
What I loved:
The rhythm is incredible. “tap, tap, tap” pulls you right in, and the flow never breaks it feels like a heartbeat, unsteady but alive.
The imagery is painfully beautiful. “broken limbs, shattered bones while the cartoon song sings” is such a twisted, powerful contrast childhood innocence against deep suffering.
The voice is strong and consistent. I can feel the speaker’s pain, confusion, and exhaustion. That’s hard to do, and you nailed it.
Areas to grow:
Some lines felt a little packed, like you were trying to say too much at once. For example, “reset the timer, walk off the feeling of the pain even though it fixed me in every way” could be broken into two lines for more impact.
A few places were a bit unclear like “I’m attached on to puppeteer strings” versus “I’m attached to puppeteer strings.” Small tweaks like that will make the reading smoother.
The ending is strong, but it could hit even harder if you slow it down just a little. Let the last few lines breathe before the final punch.
Why these changes?
Because your voice is already so unique and gripping. A little polishing will make this piece unforgettable. Readers will feel every word.
If you’d like a more detailed breakdown with deeper suggestions on structure, pacing, and emotional impact, feel free to reach out to me at:
davidreads831@gmail.com